You Are My Weakness
by Tabby Phobos
Summary: Rating for swearing and violence. Femmeslash, RixPa. In the spherehunting days after the game, Paine realizes that a weakness is the worst thing to have...


A/N: I suppose this is my first real fic in this fandom, so I hope you all like it… Yes, I happen to be a RixPa shipper. That means lesbians live within both Rikku and Paine in this fic. If you can't handle this idea, then maybe you should really leave. But even if you are a fan of this, maybe you should keep aware… I am an R writer for a reason. Paine swears in this fic, particularly a lot. Also, the violence, man, the violence! If no bad words or blood for you, goodbye now. Okay, I totally disclaim ownership of FFX, FFX-2, Rikku, Paine, Barkeep, Yuna, Tidus, and anyone else I might mention in this fic. They belong to Square-Enix, some very rich people that are much more rich than I and to whom the pocket change that is how much they would get if they sue does not matter. No copyright infringement intended, nor is any profit being made. Anyway… Oh, if you've also had a bad day, I wouldn't suggest reading. Kinda angsty as well. It's also in Paine's POV, so keep that in mind. Okay, let's go!

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Sphere-hunting these days has become so dangerous, I hear Nooj is thinking about joining the fray. Of course, we have him to blame. Baralai and Gippal, as well. Of course their joining forces would create competition. I would expect nothing less. But it appears to me as if the "honor amongst thieves" concept both the Gullwings and Leblanc Syndicate have upheld is being stomped into the ground until it dies.

Yes, the Gullwings and the Leblanc Syndicate have had their differences. Sure, we've fought over spheres before. We've even ransacked each other's hideouts before. No big deal. Nothing the other side wouldn't do. Nothing too harmful. And when we got into fights, hey, all we ever did was just smack each other around a bit. Never was there intent to kill in any of our encounters. Never.

So… I suppose I have to admit, when I noticed that all the newbies to the field were upgrading from flash and smoke bombs to things that could actually do some serious damage, I guess I panicked. Which is something I never do. Remember when we were on that mission in the Den of Woe after Yuna quit to go be with her honey-bunny Tidus? We were nearly trapped because someone decided it was a good idea to use a large bomb in those small little corridors. Blew off another guy's arm. Got one of his teammates stuck under the rubble. You remember, don't you? We didn't get the sphere, but because we were in such bad shape, Logos and Ormi had convinced Leblanc to let us have it. You told me once that you were afraid I wasn't going to make it. I didn't think I was that bad.

But it was sometime after that when we separated. You remember? Of course you do. I'm sure it's on your mind all the time. Maybe… maybe now you understand why I did what I had to do. Despite our efforts, the Brotherhood, the Desert Fighters, the Divine Adventurers, and a couple of those other freakishly named new hunting groups came to know of our relationship. Maybe they saw when you knocked me out of the way of that rockslide. Maybe they saw how you tried so hard to get me out of there, sphere or no. Maybe they heard when I screamed your name when I saw you being ambushed. It didn't matter. We had been careless. And they knew. Leblanc and her goons knew, after that mission, and they weren't even paying attention to us. They had been too preoccupied with the other groups. Just like we were. And if the other groups were focusing on us…

I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want to give you up. I loved you. I… I do, still. Even if you hate me. I don't care if you hate me. In fact… I encourage it. At least it will make me feel better about what I had to do.

Simply put, you had become my weakness, a very bad thing to have in those days of sphere-hunting. Those cutthroat, merciless _killers_ knew how I felt about you. I couldn't let that be. I _wouldn't_ let that be. Do you know how much harder it would have become for us to stay together? That's why. You wanted the whole, full reason? I couldn't let them use you against me. Even now, I don't know if you ever were in love with me much as much as I you. But I had taken that plunge, without knowing that it would make you a target I could never refuse. I never wanted you hurt, Rikku. Not at my expense. Not for anything. And certainly not at _their_ hands. I never wanted to see you suffer. And if they found that I would crumble at the sight of you even in the slightest bit of discomfort, when would they stop?

I can hear you now. Yes, you were a strong woman. Even then, at the worst of times. But I couldn't risk it. I told you, I panicked. Something I don't do. I couldn't dare risk them getting a hold of you and doing God-knows-what to you to get to me. No, I don't think that high of myself. But if they had gotten me, you would have known better than to cave. You are strong in that respect. Much, much stronger than I am. I would have given in to their demands in a heartbeat, even if it was my life, so that you wouldn't shed a drop of blood or feel an ounce of pain.

I sound pathetic. But at this point, I don't care. I loved you. I had had quite a few lovers before you, but none of them ever made me so happy. You were irritating, infuriating, and yet… empowering. You gave me all the strength I needed. You were everything I ever wanted in a woman, all rolled up in one Al Bhed, seventeen-year-old package. You, my dearest thief, stole my heart. This is so fucking sappy, it makes _me_ sick. But I don't know what else you want me to say. I loved you. I would have done anything for you. I would've died for you.

And that's why I had to do what I did.

It took me ages to will myself to do it, but once I had gotten the ball rolling, it wouldn't stop. I told you to come to bed a little later than usual. You got that mischievous glint in your eye, and that evil grin that only seemed to appear when one subject was on your mind: fucking. You loved sex. I wonder if it's an Al Bhed thing, because you were an absolute animal in bed. And to think that you were a virgin before you practically attacked me in the lift that one day. But that's another story, and one you already know. No… this is the story of how I had to give you up.

There would be no sex that night. I specifically told you to wait until Barkeep and his girlfriend went to bed. I'm sure that just solidified your thought processes by then, but then you appeared, right on time. Long enough for most of the ship to be either abed and suffering from insomnia, or to be sleeping soundly, yet quick enough so that I wasn't waiting too long. You climbed the stairs as sultrily as you could, your hips swinging as you tried to wiggle out of that skirt of yours on the stairs, your hand already tugging at your scarf.

I grabbed the hand on your scarf and stopped it cold. "Rikku," I hissed, somewhat annoyed, yet anxious and worried about my plans. I wanted them to go as smoothly as possible, after all. "We need to talk."

Even though the cabin was very dimly lit, I could see you knit your blonde eyebrows in that way you always did when switching from playful to serious. "Uh-oh… this doesn't sound good."

"It isn't." I rested my hands on your shoulders, which were low enough for me to comfortably do so. After all, you had been standing a couple of steps below me. "Rikku… we can't do this anymore."

"Can't do what?"

"This, Rikku." I took your hand off your scarf and intertwined our gloved fingers. With a squeeze of our hands, I hoped I'd made it clear. I certainly didn't mean sphere-hunting. We both knew that, without sphere-hunting, we had absolutely nothing. Nothing to go home to, nothing to pick up once we stopped, nothing at all. Most people would imply that we also had nothing to lose, but while we had nothing outside our profession, we had everything to lose by it as well. That's why I had to do this, you know.

"…Why?"

"They know about us, Rikku. All those assfucks who seem to think that killing off a bunch of people who did nothing but got in their way is a great way to spend the afternoon. Do you know what that means?"

"…Yes." You paused before your statements when you're really thinking things through. Everyone always expected you to jump to conclusions and speak without thinking when you really were thinking. But you didn't. You took a moment to formulate what you were going to say before saying it. Maybe you did it out of spite. But it was those pauses that made me have so much faith in your hunches. Because you really were a smart woman. Just a little too energetic sometimes. "They could us against each other."

"Exactly."

You bit your lip as our hands separated and fell. "So… is that it, then? We're breaking up?" You sounded so very… ready for my answer. I know you were sad. You only bit your lip when you were sad or nervous. Or maybe you were just nervous as to my answer. I do admit, I did have a bit of an answer that wasn't one.

"Rikku… I won't have you as my weakness. I just won't. I _can't_. If they… if they find out exactly how little it would take for me to crack if you're involved… do you even know what they could do? Our competition is absolutely fucking ruthless, Rikku. I would die before they would hurt you."

You looked so surprised at my admission, but then so very happy. I had to look away. I couldn't see that smile now. While it was normally comforting, it was horrible now. You were killing me with that smile, Rikku. "Paine… are you saying that you love me?" Your voice rose an octave, squeaking out childishly.

I winced, mostly at hearing those words at the most inopportune time. "Yes. I do. Very much." You continued to smile, yet your arms found themselves around my waist. You said nothing, just held me there, your head against the hard leather of my sash. You turned your head up to show me that toothy grin. God, how could you be so cruel?

My hands on your shoulders, I pulled you away harshly and kissed you as hard as I could. Even if I had just admitted to my absolute adoration for you and all of your quirks, from not getting dressed until midday, to brushing your teeth almost obsessively, I was full of intent. It was bruising, I knew. I didn't care. I bit at your lips as you tried to push your tongue between mine, my hands deep in your blonde hair. Once I was certain your skin there was raw from my own teeth, I pulled away, pushing my forehead to yours.

"And that is why we must separate. I won't let you suffer. And they won't touch you. Not if I have a say." You couldn't say a word. I didn't give you the chance. I watched your face contort into confusion, your eyebrows together and your mouth open slightly as you curled up your top lip. I pulled my head away from yours, my hands still buried in your hair. You never had the chance to say a word. Just as it appeared that you were going to ask me how I was going to protect you if we were going to separate, I stopped your words cold with the answer. I twisted your head quickly with a sickening crack, snapping your neck and spinal cord.

For a moment, I was afraid it hadn't killed you. But as your eyes rolled back into your head and your whole body went limp, I was relieved. I moved a hand from your head to your waist, curling my arm around it to keep you upright. The other found itself on your chest. No heartbeat. Thank God.

I dropped you quickly to the floor, and you rolled neatly down the stairs, in a way that could not have been orchestrated better. You landed at the end with your head at the same awkward angle as I had forced it. It may have well been an accident. It was how I had wanted it, after all. To look as though I hadn't just taken your life with my own hands. Maybe then, I could convince myself that it was an accident as well.

Funny how I don't go into detail telling you what you don't know. I tell to the very specifics what happened while you were there to experience it, but all that you weren't there for wasn't important enough to me. We were able to get Yuna to send you, and while the Gullwings don't get many jobs, your brother decided to just go on in your honor. Not much to mention, really. But no one messes with us anymore. I suppose they still sympathize for our losing one of our members to an unfortunate accident.

I'm sorry your death was blamed on clumsiness. That's my fault. I was selfish then. If it was now, and I had chosen to do the same, I would have stood up for what I'd done, Via Infinito be damned. You may ask why I haven't yet. Well… You see, you're still my weakness, something I never fucking wanted, even without being among the living. If I was locked up in Via Infinito or Purifico or whatever one they're using nowadays, I would never be able to come to Guadosalam. I know, I haven't come in at all. I've been too afraid. Afraid of what you'd say. What you'd tell me. Afraid that… you wouldn't show up at all, out of spite.

Of course, I wouldn't be surprised or offended if you didn't. I honestly don't care. I may still love you, but I don't think going in would be very helpful for me. I smile at the entrance of the Farplane coldly. I stand here often, near the bridge that leads up to the gate to the Farplane. I debate whether I should go in. I never do though, but you know that, don't you?

I'm just glad I did it right. I didn't want you to suffer, and especially not at their hands. I'm glad you died quickly. At least have the knowledge that I killed you out of love, not hate. Because I was scared. Because I panicked. Something I never do.

Because you are my weakness, and in our life of work, that is not allowed.

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A/N: Seems to be a running theme in one-shots from me. Well, I'm sure you all want to call me sick and whatnot, so I'll let you do that. I just hope you enjoyed it a little. Even if you hated it. I thought it was fun… Well, please be aware that reviews, especially concrit, is very, very welcome.


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